


Working through the pain

by serenitykid7875



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 18:52:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2702762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenitykid7875/pseuds/serenitykid7875
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jemma has a hard time moving on...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Skye realized as she held the crying Jemma Simmons that her feelings toward Grant Ward were never what she thought they were; she thought that she loved him like she had loved Miles Lydon, but as she held Jemma in her arms she knew that that wasn’t true. Jemma was crying over the death of her best friend Leo Fitz who’s death was caused by Ward when he left them for dead in the middle of nowhere at the bottom of the ocean. Jemma and Fitz had been rescued by Nick Fury who was searching for Phil Coulson, but Fitz had only survived a week in the hospital before this moment where he coded and they weren’t able to revive him. Skye knew that she had always loved Jemma from the moment she met her; Jemma was welcoming and open about everything and that only made Skye love her more.

Skye realized that everything that had happened to the team only brought them closer and at one point she thought that Ward would be a part of the family that she didn’t have and now had them thanks to Coulson for believing in her and keeping her on the team. As Skye held Jemma in her arms she knew that nothing would stop her from telling Jemma what she felt toward her and that she’d do just about anything to make her happy. And that included giving Ward a piece of her mind about what she was feeling toward him right now; she absolutely hated him for what he had done, but she was also grateful that he had at one point kept them safe. He had a lot to answer for and she knew that Coulson would make him answer for those things; she also knew that a part of her would do just about anything to make Jemma happy again and if hurting Ward made her happy she’d do it.

But right now she knew that Jemma just needed her to be there for her whether it be to hold her as she cried or someone for her to talk to; Skye swore to herself that she’d do it all for Jemma so that at one point (hopefully soon) she’d be happy again. Jemma had slowly stopped sobbing against Skye’s chest, but was still crying and that only made Skye want to hold her closer. 

Jemma felt like a part of her had died and it was sort of true, her best friend, partner, and brother had been killed, he wasn’t going to be around anymore and that scared her. She couldn’t believe that Ward could do such a thing as to betray them and try and kill them like they meant nothing to him; they were a family and now he had turned his back on them. He did look remorseful when he had turned around and watched them get ejected from the plane, but she didn’t know if he really was remorseful or if it was just a ploy.

Jemma started to think about all that they had been through together as a team, as a family; they had had some bad times, but they had also had good times and Ward was a part of that. She didn’t want to think anymore, she didn’t want to feel anymore, because this pain was feeling like it was too much to bear. Skye could tell something was happening inside Jemma’s head because she continued to cry, but something was different.

“Do you want to talk?” Skye asked softly as she continued to rub Jemma’s back who still had her face against Skye’s chest.

“He told me he loved me.” Jemma said as she moved away from Skye’s chest, but still leaned against her.

“Oh Jemma, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I love him too, just not the way he loved me. He knew it, but he still needed to tell me. He knew he wasn’t going to survive.”

“Jemma look at me.”

“He hit the button before I could stop him. We could have figured out something else.”

“Jemma.” Skye said softly as she lifted Jemma’s chin so that Jemma would look at her, “Don’t block us out. I can see it in your eyes. We can help. I can help. Just tell us what you need.” Skye looked at Jemma with such compassion and love and Jemma could only cry, at least she looked Skye back in the eyes.

“Ward just pulled the lever. He wouldn’t look at us. I screamed for him and all he did was stare, at least he looked like he regretted it. When Fitz wouldn’t open the door he turned around to the panel, pushed a few buttons, and the pulled the lever. We were begging for him to look at us, to come back to us. He wouldn’t listen. How could he do this? How could he be a part of our family and then just turn his back on us? He is the reason Fitz is dead.” Jemma said in a panic and Skye held Jemma to her chest as Jemma started to sob again.

“Shh…Jemma it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Breathe. Nice and slow. It’s okay.” Skye said as she rocked a sobbing Jemma back and forth in hope that it would calm her. “I don’t know why Ward turned on us. But if you want me to find out I will. I’ll get you your answers if you want me to. Jemma I will always be here for you and I won’t ever change like Ward. We are a family and we care about you, I care about you. It’s going to be okay. Shh…”

The other members of the team could only watch from afar as they saw how broken Jemma was feeling; Melinda May, ‘the Calvary’, was furious that they hadn’t realized Ward was a spy and Coulson was blaming himself too, but he thought that Ward only did what he did because he was taught to do it. Antione Triplett a new member to the team, filling in Ward’s spot, knew that there was something going on between Jemma and Skye; he also knew he didn’t care as long as it helped Jemma, he cared for this team and they all had been through a lot.

They all wanted answers and they hoped that sometime soon they’d be able to get them from the one person who could give them. So Coulson and May decided maybe they needed to have a team meeting, to see where everyone was with their feelings and they wanted to talk with Jemma about how she was doing.

“Trip please have Simmons and Skye meet us in the conference room we want to have a team meeting.” Coulson said as he turned toward Triplett.

“Yes sir.” Triplett said and then watched Coulson and May leave where he was standing. A part of him didn’t want to bother Jemma and Skye they both needed time to work through whatever was going on, but he also wanted to talk to them and he knew that the meeting was going to do just that. So he walked over to the girls slowly so that they’d sense his presence before he got to them, which they both did but Jemma continued to cry. “Coulson wants to have a team meeting.”

“Right now?” Skye said worried.

“Yep, but you guys take your time. We’ll be in the conference room.” Triplett said as he handed them a box of tissues.

“Okay. We’ll be there in a minute.”

“I’ll let them know.”

Triplett then left to head to the conference room, while Skye turned back to Jemma who was still holding on to her as if she feared that she’d disappear. Skye took one of the tissues and wiped away the tears coming down Jemma’s face and continued to hold Jemma against her.

“It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. But I think Coulson wants to have this meeting so that everyone can express what they’re feeling.” Skye said to Jemma after she kissed her forehead. “Are you ready?” And at first Jemma didn’t move, but then slowly untangled herself from around Skye and nodded to her that she was ready to go to the meeting.

Coulson, May, and Triplett were waiting in the conference room, no one was talking but everyone could tell that there were things that needed to be spoken. Jemma entered first followed by Skye who had a hand on Jemma’s back afraid that if she stopped touching Jemma, Jemma would break down again and she didn’t want that.

Coulson began the meeting, “I know that everything with Garrett is finally over, but we all have some questions that we want answered. We’re all working through the loss of Fitz and I know that it will be harder on others and I want you all to know we’re a team and family; we will work through this together. Do any of you have any questions? Or problems?”

“Why did he do it?” Jemma asked as a few tears fell down her cheeks.

“I don’t know yet, but I promise I will and when I do I’ll let you know.”

“What are they going to do to him? Are we going to be able to interrogate him?” Triplett asked.

“They are holding him at Guantanamo Bay until we talk to him. We will be handling capturing any other Hydra or centipede agents. They will let us talk to him, but not interrogate him. They have their own men doing that.” Coulson answered.

“I want to talk to him.” Jemma said in a begging voice; she needed to hear it from him why he turned on them.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Skye said worried.

“I don’t either, but if you want to be there when I inter…talk to him that’s fine.” May said in a gentle voice, she knew that Jemma needed this.

“Jemma I know this is going to be hard, but I would like you to start going through the information we found at Garrett’s facility. We need to work on something to perhaps inject into the super soldiers to incapacitated or to counteract the serum to make them super.” Coulson said turning to Jemma.

“I…yes, sir.” Jemma said as a brief moment of fear crossed her face and then left.

“I’ll stay with you Jem.” Skye said as she wrapped an arm around Jemma’s shoulders.

“Thank you.”

“Come on I’ll hang out with you guys.” Triplett said as he led Jemma and Skye out and toward the stairs leading to the lab.

“She shouldn’t have to go down there just yet.” May said concerned.

“I know, but we both know if she doesn’t get back into the lab that she might never again.” Coulson said as he turned to May. “And we both know that would be devastating to the world and to Fitz.”

“I know, but I’m worried about her. Fitz has only been dead a few days. She needs to grieve.”

“Yes, but you and I both know that if she gets answers from Ward it will help her move on and if she gets back into the lab it will too.”

May nodded and left for the cockpit to get ready for takeoff, while Coulson went to his office to try and workout how exactly they were going to get the U.S. military to talk with them and help re-create SHIELD.

Triplett was sitting in the lab near one of the tables as he watched Skye, who was outside the doors to the lab with Jemma, try to convince her that it was going to be okay if she entered the lab and worked. He felt bad as he watched them, Jemma was crying and Skye was gently holding her and whispering things to her; he knew how much Fitz meant to Jemma and losing him was a big hurt that they might not fully be able to repair. So he waited and watched wishing that there was a way to make Jemma feel better and a way to support her as she went through these times; he wanted to be a brother to her like Fitz, someone she could count on and right now he knew that she needed Skye.

“Jemma it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Jemma you can do this. I know that it’s hard, but Triplett and I will be here the whole time. If you get over whelmed we can take a break.” Skye said rubbing Jemma’s back, Jemma was clinging to Skye with her head against her neck.

“I can’t do this. I feel sick all of a sudden. I can’t go in there.” Jemma plead feeling like she couldn’t breathe.

“Shh…it’s okay. Jemma breathe. It’s okay.” Skye could tell Jemma was feeling panicked about going in the lab from the way she was talking, so Skye waved at Triplett who came over to them immediately.

“What do you need me to do?” Triplett asked softly as he put a hand on Jemma’s back to comfort her.

“I need you to go get May and Coulson like now.” Skye said worried.

“You got it.” Triplett took off heading up the stairs to get Coulson and May.

“Jemma breathe. Please. It’s okay.” Skye said hoping to calm Jemma down.

“I…I can’t…I can’t do this…I can’t go in there…He’s gone...I can’t do this.” Jemma sobbed as she tried to control herself.

“Oh Jemma, I wish that I could take away this pain. You need to breathe. It’s okay.”

“I can’t do this…Skye…I can’t.”

“I know. I know. It’s okay. Shh…it’s going to be okay.”

Triplett came running back down the stairs with Coulson and May behind him, they all had worried looks on their face; Coulson could see the pain Jemma was going through and felt bad that he had told her he wanted her back in the lab and he thought, ‘May was right. She needs more time.’ May knew that this was going to be hard, but she hoped that it wouldn’t be this hard; she moved over to where Skye and Jemma were wrapping her arms around them. Normally this would have seemed out of the normal but Coulson knew better. He knew that she cared for them and before the incident in Bahrain she was a very different person; he always hoped that if he got her back in to the field it would bring that part of her back out and watching her now he knew he was right.

May seemed like she was unfeeling and detached, but she truly cared for everyone on her team, they were the family she loved and protected. Ward hadn’t been a big part of the family, he wasn’t even on her list of people she loved; she used him like he used her. She hated him for killing Fitz and hurting Jemma; she wanted nothing more than to kill him slowly for putting the team through this. And as she held on to Skye and Jemma she swore that if she was given the chance again she would kill him; she knew she might regret that later, but right now it sounded good. Jemma was still sobbing and saying that she couldn’t do it, she was in full panic mode now and the others were trying the best they could to help her.

“Trip, go in to the med supply room and get a sedative. She needs it.” Coulson said as he leaned toward Triplett.

“Yes sir.” Triplett then headed off to the med supplies to grab a syringe and a medication to help Jemma relax and sleep.

Jemma was starting to get light headed, but she couldn’t stop the feelings of panic and couldn’t breathe; Skye and May were holding her up, when May and Skye gently went to their knees and continued to hold her. Jemma noticed that Coulson was with them; he was kneeling down next to them with his hand on Skye’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry Jemma.” Coulson said with tears in his eyes, he hated to see his team hurting. It hit him hard how much Jemma was hurting and he was so sorry that he wanted her to back into the lab.

“Jemma I’m going to give you a sedative. It’s going to help you. And we’ll take you up stairs to your bunk.” Triplett said as he came over with a syringe with medication in his hand.

“Skye?” Jemma said feeling like her chest was on fire.

“I’m here.” Skye said as she gave Jemma a slight squeeze.

“Stay with me.” 

“I will. I won’t leave you.”

“I love you guys.”

“We love you too.” May said as she let a few tears fall.

“I love you Jemma and I’ll be with you the whole time.” Skye said as she kissed Jemma’s forehead, then Triplett moved forward and gave Jemma the injection.

Once Jemma was asleep Triplett took her from Skye and May’s arms, bridal style, and took her upstairs to her pod, where he and Skye gently tucked her in. Skye got in the bed with Jemma and held her close, while Triplett decided to stay near and was out on the couch outside the pod.

“How is she going to survive?” Coulson asked out loud after Triplett, Skye, and Jemma were gone.

“I don’t know Phil. I wish I did. She can’t go in there until she’s ready.” May said as she stood next to him staring at the door at the top of the stairs.

Jemma, in her sleep, wrapped herself around Skye and held on to her like she was going to disappear and never come back; Skye too held on to Jemma hoping that holding her would give her the feeling that she wasn’t alone. Skye hated that they had to give Jemma a sedative, because she was so hysterical; she hoped that Jemma would be okay and knowing that she wasn’t right now hurt her. She hoped that Jemma had dreamless sleep; she worried that if she dreamt of Fitz it would hurt her even more and she couldn’t take that and soon after she laid down next to Jemma she too fell asleep.


	2. Learning why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking with Ward several months later to find out why he did what he did

Months had passed since Leo Fitz’s funeral, the whole team visited him at least once a month; they felt that he deserved to know everything going on with them, whether it be that they survived another day or that they just wanted to see him. The team had restarted SHIELD up and it was better than ever, of course now they worked with the government and other law enforcement agents to capture the Hydra and Hydra like groups. 

Coulson still led the team and he now had even more responsibilities as SHIELD’s director; he made time for each of his jobs, but it did take a lot out of him. In the past months he worked with the team on missions and in between when they weren’t working on the mission he switched over to SHIELD director items. He worked hard and whenever he felt as if he was drained, May and the rest of the team were there to help along; he was grateful for everything they were doing for him.

May worked with Coulson as his second in command, like Maria Hill was to Nick Fury; they worked well together and bounced things off one another about some of the different things they need to work on. She and the rest of the team had gone to where they were holding Grant Ward to interrogate him on why he would do the things that he had done. And at first Coulson didn’t want anyone in there with May, but as Coulson thought about it he realized Jemma was the one person Ward had hurt most; he thought he deserved to see the hurt that he had caused.

Triplett agreed with Coulson that Jemma shouldn’t have to go through the pain of watching or even being near Ward; Ward after all was the person who had caused her the most pain. So as they got closer to Ward’s location he watched over Jemma more and more; he worried that they would need to sedate her again if she got hysterical with grief. Triplett wasn’t the only one who didn’t want Jemma to go in with May; Skye didn’t want to see Jemma in pain again and if she could she would take her spot just so she could hurt Ward. 

Skye stayed with Jemma almost every second of every day for the past several months; she watched her fall apart the first time and she was worried that Jemma would break down again if she went with May and talked with Ward. Skye and Jemma had official become a couple after a couple months of spending so much time together and finally admitting what they felt for each other after one of missions landed Skye in the hospital with a broken arm. They knew before they went to talk with Ward about why he had turned on them, what they felt about one another and spent the last few months learning more and more about each other.

Jemma was devastated about what Ward did and how he could still follow orders after everything that had happened, but she needed to hear from him the reasons behind what he did. So even if Coulson told her that she couldn’t talk with Ward about what he had done, she was still going to go with May. Skye and the rest of the team all had their doubts about her being able to handle what she would learn, but she pushed through enough to hear from Ward why he did the things that he did.

~The day Jemma and May went to see Ward~  
“May, Jemma?” Ward said as May entered the cell followed by Jemma. “What are you doing here?”

“We’ve come to talk.” May said as she let Jemma sit down across from Ward.

“What do you want to know?”

“Who are you?” Jemma asked. Ward closed his eyes for a second for a moment to think about what he was going to say; May watched from near the corner close enough to protect Jemma, but far enough that Jemma could ask Ward the questions she needed answered.

“I’m Grant Ward. I didn’t lie about everything.” Ward replied.

“Why did you join Hydra?”

“Because Garrett asked me to.”

“Why would you listen to him?”

“He got me out of juvie, he gave me a second chance to make myself a man.”

“Why were you in juvie?”

“I tried to kill Roger my brother.”

“Why?”

“He tried to kill my little brother Matt. He used to beat us. I guess that’s where I learned that I was weak. Garrett taught me to be strong. I tried to burn down the house him and my parents inside. Matt was out of the house that night and I just wanted to protect him.”

“How did Garrett teach you to be strong?”

“He abandoned me in the forest with nothing, but the few clothes I had and a puppy. I taught myself what to do to survive.”

“Just because of that you betrayed us. Didn’t you care at all about us?”

“Jemma, I did care and that’s the problem.”

“How is that a problem? How could you do it? Do feel nothing?”

Jemma was starting to cry and May moved a little closer to give her some comfort; Ward bowed his head, he couldn’t look Jemma in the eyes if she was crying.

“I was weak. Garrett said that emotions hurt people and if I was to become a man I had to feel nothing. That’s the problem I felt too much around you guys.”

“YOU THINK EMOTIONS HURT! HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL RIGHT NOW?! YOU TOOK AWAY MY BROTHER! WE WERE A FAMILY AND YOU HURT US! DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD DO TO US?!” Jemma yelled at Ward. Ward didn’t say anything, he couldn’t he knew how much it was hurting her from looking at her. 

“Jemma breathe.” May said softly putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry Jemma.” Ward said after a few minutes of listening to May calming Jemma down. “I only know how to follow orders. It’s the only thing I’m good at. I truly am sorry for what I’ve done and I know you’ll never forgive me, but I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ve been here thinking about everything and I know what I had with you guys was a family, a family I never had one that didn’t hurt me, that loved me. I know that obeying Garrett ruined everything, but when I was in juvie I just wanted out. He gave me a way out. I owed him. He saved my life.”

“And what about us? Why did he send you to us?” Jemma said calmer than before.

“He wanted to know how Coulson survived. He wanted me to investigate it. Find how to save him. Garrett was sick he wanted a cure.”

“Is that what we were to you? Just a mission, an order to follow.”

“No, I did care about you guys. I started to feel that I could be a man, a good man, but when we found ‘the clairvoyant’ Garrett told me to kill him. I thought that that would be the end. I keep you from knowing it was Garrett. Then Hydra came out, I knew he’d want me to do what I was on the team for.”

“And what was that? Other than finding out why Coulson lived.”

“That was it, he wanted me to use my interrogation methods to find out how exactly Coulson was alive. He didn’t tell me that until you guys were closing in on the guy Garrett got to be ‘the clairvoyant’ and Hydra came out.”

“Why wouldn’t you look at us? When you were pulling the lever.” 

“Because if I looked at you, I knew I’d change my mind. I knew I had to save Garrett, but I didn’t want to lose you. If I had looked at you I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the one thing that I was ordered to do; I wouldn’t have found the cure to saving Garrett, because I would have chosen you…I thought it would float.”

“What?”

“I thought the pod would float, it was supposed to float. It’s meant to float.”

“How come you still stayed by Garrett even after that, when he told you to get Skye?” May asked, wondering why he didn’t come back to them.

“Because I don’t do anything for myself; I follow the orders that I’m given.” Ward replied softly, “I’ve never did anything for myself before I met you guys. I wanted to be a part of you guys, but I had to save Garrett.”

“Why did you feel that you had to save Garrett?” Jemma asked suddenly feeling like she could see part of why Ward did what he did.

“He was someone I thought of like a father. He got me out when I was fifteen. I wanted nothing more than a good father figure and I thought he was it. Jemma I know that none of this excuses what I did, but I truly am sorry. I never meant for Fitz to die.” Ward said as a few tears fell down his face. “If I’d known that it would have sank I wouldn’t have pull the lever. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I killed Fitz. I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, but I can’t forgive you that easy Grant. I wish you could have had a different life, one where you didn’t have to fight all the time or think that you can’t do something for yourself. I’m sorry you were hurt so much as a child, I’m sorry that your parents weren’t good people.”

“I should have made better choices. I shouldn’t have listened to Garrett. I should have known how to be good. I should have been opposite of my parents.”

“We’ve got to get back to the bus for today. We’ll be back.” May said knowing that after this Jemma was going to need time to think along with the rest of the team; they had been listening in the other room.

“Okay, May. Goodbye Jemma, until next time.” Ward said as he nodded to May and stood with Jemma.

“Goodbye Grant.” Jemma said surprised that Ward was being polite to her; she had mixed feelings about him now and didn’t know what to believe, he was so open with her.

~Present time~  
Thinking back on that moment Jemma only felt a little surprised when Coulson decided to give Ward a second chance at being a part of the team; she was the first one that everyone thought about before they let him anywhere near the bus. But Jemma had seen the real Grant Ward that day and every day that she saw him after that; she knew he was a changed man and that he wanted to be a good man, one that she was proud of, trusted, and cared about.

And today was no different as he was reinstated in to SHIELD; he had proved to them that he was a good agent, a trustworthy agent and that he wasn’t going to turn on them ever again. His journey was a hard one and a long one, but Jemma, out of all of the team, was the first one who helped him; she listened to him and gave him advice which he took and used.

Ward’s relationship with Skye at first was troubled, after all he loved her, but they both knew that it wasn’t going to last; Skye was in love with Jemma and she was never going to stop loving her. At first he was hurt, but he realized after he saw them together that she never loved him like she loved Jemma; he was happy for them and was pleased that he’d at least have them as family. He made it his mission to make the team happy again, so after the first couple of months they started movie night and game night up again; everyone enjoyed those nights a lot. Ward also promised that he’d never hurt them again and he kept that promise until the day he died.


End file.
